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  “Not good enough. Promise me you will stay with her for as long as she needs you.”

  “I promise,” David said. Tiamhaidh nodded in acceptance.

  Tiam set me down on the bed and pried my fingers off him. They had pressed deep into his skin as I had clung to him as if he had been the only thing that had kept me sane. David helped him undress me and I was briefly surprised by David’s apparent lack of concern over Tiamhaidh seeing me in my underwear. Then the two of them tucked me in like a small child and David lay down next to me. He stroked my hair and kissed my teary face. I pressed myself tightly against him and with a sigh he wrapped his arms around me. I don’t know how long he held me, but when next I woke up I noticed the first rays of the morning sun peering through a gap in the curtains. I still felt numb, but I knew I’d survive. David hadn’t let go of me for a moment. He was sleeping contentedly right next to me and I decided to close my eyes for just a while.

  CHAPTER 25

  I awoke to a terrifying sense of emptiness. David had left for work at some point in the early hours of morning and I was lying alone in bed. I realized how huge our bed was. I balled the duvet into a big lump and wrapped my arms and legs around it. I knew David would be away for at least a week, as he’d had to take extra days off to be with us when the shape shifters had stayed in the vicinity. He didn’t trust me and Gunward and, for that matter, I didn’t trust us either, particularly not myself.

  Every time I was near Gunward I would find myself drifting into his arms or worse, kissing him. Then the truth hit me. Gunward was really gone. So far away that I could neither see him or feel the touch of his skin for dozens of years. I felt a wave of nausea churn my stomach and rushed to the toilet to throw up. Gunward! Every cell in me screamed in anguish. I crawled back into bed and focused my mind on Gunward. He let me easily into his mind and allowed me to share his experiences and emotions. I clutched my rumpled duvet desperately and wished David or Gunward were with me. Holding me tight.

  In my mind I traveled to Senja with Gunward. He and his companions were just about to arrive at the place where three countries meet, under the Saana fell. They stopped and got out of the cars to stretch their cramped muscles. They climbed up the steep, shrubbery sides of the Saana, to the top of the fell, and enjoyed the peaceful morning moment before the last leg of their journey. The view was breathtaking. As if by magic, the borders of three countries met here; the fells of Norway, Sweden and Finland joined, the sun lighting their slopes. There was no sign of human habitation and only the shrill cries of buzzards disrupted the silence. The men enjoyed the quiet and had a quick, light breakfast, letting their minds rest as the misty fells and the faint wind soothed them. Then they rose and quickly returned to the cars. The spell had broken and I could feel their impatience. They were all eager to arrive at Senja, even Adam, who had been forced to go along.

  Even though Gunward missed me, I sensed his joy and anticipation and it offended me. I had been left here alone although I had wanted to go with Gunward. He laughed within his mind and told me to stop, but I couldn’t. I felt such a deep depression that I didn’t know how I’d be able to carry on without Gunward. I wallowed in self-pity and couldn’t snap out of it. I lay down, staring at the ceiling. My eyes were fixed on a spider web in the ceiling and I felt as if I, too, were tangled in the fine, sticky strands of the web. I had no strength to move; I went on staring. Somewhere on the edge of my awareness I knew what Gunward was doing and even though there were six other shape shifters in the house, I didn’t permit them to connect with me but selfishly kept the connection between Gunward and me away from them.

  For nearly three weeks I lay in an almost comatose state. Tiamhaidh and Marie took care of my basic needs by feeding me by force and by carrying me to the shower and to the toilet. I dimly realized I was never alone. Someone always sat with me and told me what was happening around me. None of those words reached me, though. My soul yearned for Gunward and even though I sensed David’s presence from time to time, I could give him nothing of myself. My days passed in observation of Gunward’s daily activities. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t physically with him, for my mind was so completely with his that I could no longer differentiate reality from life with Gunward’s awareness. Bruun and Flow were curled up at my feet, warming my cold, withering body. I would, in all probability, have perished of sorrow had my brothers not finally become angry with David and decided to interfere.

  My ears registered shouting around me but I was too exhausted to react to it in any way. I felt Daniel seize me by the shoulders and shake me like a rag doll. My teeth chattered and my head shook limply from side to side. My muscles felt like jelly and I had no strength to defend myself.

  “Look at her!” Daniel yelled at David.

  “She’s practically unconscious! If we don’t do something, there’ll be no more than a shell left of her. All of us shape shifters can feel that her soul is with Gunward.”

  “That’s not possible,” David stated quietly.

  Marie’s guilty expression, however, revealed David to be mistaken.

  “No one knows what Sofia is capable of. She could very well move her soul into another living body and you’d be left with this lifeless corpse,” Daniel growled.

  “Leave her be. If she wants to go, I don’t want to stop her,” David snapped.

  “Dad! You stop that right now!” Clarissa burst out. “You can’t give up. Mom is literally out of her mind. You can’t talk that way! We have to help her!”

  “I can’t do anything to help her and if you two can’t either, I don’t know what to do anymore,” David looked wearily at the other occupants of the room and left.

  Clarissa and Marie could only stare after him in shock. An oppressive silence fell until Tiamhaidh lifted me into his arms and started carrying me towards the door.

  “Are you coming?” he asked the others.

  “Where are you taking her?” Marie asked quietly.

  “What will you do?” Gavin and Daniel inquired.

  “You know what I’ll do. I’ll need every shape shifter with me right now.” Clarissa paused, hesitating, and looked at Tiam with her large eyes.

  “You, too, Clarissa,” Tiam added gently.

  No one could think of anything better, so they all followed Tiamhaidh obediently. He carried me to the nearby forest, to a clearing with a small marshy pond, and by the pond a large stone I called a Seita stone. The pond and the stone had always calmed my restless soul. This was where I’d always retreated to when the pressures of human life had grown too heavy and I’d needed time to sort out my thoughts in peace. Had I been able to, I’d have come here myself. By the pond was an expanse of rock where a soft moss grew, and this rocky area was edged by young birches.

  Tiamhaidh carefully set me down onto the mossy ground and ordered the others to gather around me as snugly as possible. Then, without a word of warning, he shifted into a large, dark brown wolf and pressed himself tightly to me. I felt his wet muzzle prod my face tenderly and his soft tongue lick my neck from time to time. With no prompting from Tiam the others began to shift. Soon five large male wolves surrounded me and Marie and Clarissa were the only humans standing in the circle.

  The girls dropped on their knees and began stroking my hair and whispering memories of things we had done together. The wolves warmed my body and reminded me of what I truly was. I didn’t feel the flies buzzing around us and I didn’t hear the birch leaves rustling in the breeze. I only felt the natural warmth of the wolves and the softness of their coats. I don’t know how long we lay there close to each other until a quiet howling penetrated my awareness. It was so heartbreakingly sad that I understood it came from Gavin and Daniel. My brothers howled out their sorrow, for they were already certain they were about to lose me. If not even the proximity of wolves could induce me to return, there was no hope of it happening any other way.

  Slowly I began to see the blue sky above the treetops and the beautiful, dark green leaves of the b
irches through which the sun warmed the ground. The shades of yellow amid the green leaves. To feel the softness of the moss, and the hands of my daughters in my hair. A soft sigh escaped my lips but no one heard it. The other wolves had joined in Gavin and Daniel’s song and even though there were many of them the song remained a controlled, muted howling. Marie’s gaze was locked on Tiam and large tears fell down her cheeks. Clarissa was sobbing quietly. I felt as if I was at my own funeral and I knew that if I could die this would be exactly the kind of funeral I’d want. Slowly I allowed my mind to join in the song and my body to change. No one seemed to notice that, either, until Clarissa screamed and the wolves’ song was abruptly cut off. All five wolves sprung up at once and bared their teeth. Their hackles had risen and their alert eyes scanned our surroundings for possible enemies.

  “Look,” Clarissa whispered, terrified. “Look! What’s happening to her?”

  All the wolves turned their eyes to me and they leapt to me in ecstasy. They tried to tussle with me and to lick me all over. They nipped at my coat and prodded me with their muzzles. I was still too weak to participate in my pack’s merrymaking, though, so I contented myself with delighting in the love they gave me. Clarissa and Marie, however, were incapable of rejoicing. They were terrified.

  “What’s happening? Why did she turn into a wolf? Will she ever be human again?” Shocked whispers ran from the girls’ lips.

  “Tiamhaidh,” Marie pleaded in desperation.

  “Ciall,” Clarissa looked questioningly at the light brown wolf who was joyfully capering around me.

  Eventually Tiamhaidh took mercy on the girls and changed back into human shape. He put his arms around both girls and squeezed firmly. Then he turned his bright blue eyes to Marie and laughed.

  “She’s recovering, a chroi.”

  “Look at her. She’s getting better and better. You’ve gotten your mother back and we’ve gotten back our sister and the alpha female of our pack.”

  Marie and Clarissa stared at me, not understanding the connection between a skinny, golden brown she-wolf who lay half-dead amid the other wolves, and their mother. I looked at them with my tired lupine eyes and used my remaining strength to shift back into my human shape. Tiamhaidh quickly grabbed me and gently carried me back to our home. Carefully, as if I were made of glass, he set me down on the couch as Marie covered me with a blanket. I was incredibly tired. But I didn’t want to close my eyes, as I felt I’d lost so many weeks of my life already and wanted to stay with the others in spite of my exhaustion. The other shape shifters began to arrive one by one, having resumed their human forms.

  They gathered around the couch, forming a protective circle around me and after a long time I finally felt safe. I felt so good that a growl of pleasure emerged from my throat. Gavin threw me a worried glance but when he saw that I was merely enjoying the moment, he allowed himself to relax and put his head on my stomach. I lifted my weak hand to his hair and let my fingers play with his sun-burned hair. How beautiful they all were, was my last thought before I fell into a deep sleep. This time I’d really be able to sleep and rest and Tiamhaidh would make sure my mind couldn’t wander after Gunward but stayed firmly at home with my family.

  CHAPTER 26

  Autumn had arrived almost furtively like a thief. I had been away for so long that the leaves had begun to turn yellow and the flowers had wilted. Only a few hardy daisies and cornflowers still decorated our garden. There was already a whiff of winter in the air and nature was preparing to fall into a quiet slumber. A few weeks ago, the sun had still been as hot as in the summer, but now the sun's warmth held a hint of chilly autumn breeze. The bikini season was inevitably over now. I sighed and wrapped the light scarf tighter around my throat.

  I walked on our driveway cautiously, with wobbly legs, and kicked at the fallen leaves. How long would it take until I was all right again? Forever, my mind whispered. I knew I would have to let go of Gunward and concentrate on my family and my pack or I’d lose them, too. Fortunately David was away, as I didn’t know how I could face him, knowing he would see the bottomless sorrow and the longing for Gunward in my eyes. I sighed deeply and ambled cautiously on. Instinctively I turned towards the forest and when my gaze reached the edge of the woods I stopped, shocked. I was absolutely certain I’d glimpsed a large black-brown wolf in the trees.

  Impossible, my brain screamed. I opened my mind, searching desperately for Gunward, but I caught no hint of his presence nearby. Only a slight, familiar touch in my mind indicated that he was still connected to me even though he was very far from me. My throat was constricted by a longing so strong that I couldn’t breathe. My heart beat wildly in my chest and my lungs gulped desperately for air. My hands rose to my neck and I was sure this would be the end of my human body. Tears of agony flowed from my eyes and I knew this was a panic attack, but had no idea how to cope with it. I felt my knees give way and I fell. My sight blurred and I felt my awareness wither.

  “Stop it, Sofia,” a gentle voice sounded in my head. “You know you can’t die.” Tiamhaidh's amused voice filled my mind. “Tiamhaidh, help me!” I begged helplessly. “Sofia, open your eyes and focus. I want you to come with me to the clearing.” “I can’t. I can’t move!” My mind shrieked in anguish. “Trust me. Open your eyes!” Tiamhaidh begged me tenderly. I gingerly pried my eyes open and was momentarily surprised. Nothing had changed. The autumn forest seemed as inviting as it had a moment ago and the sense of a wolf in the vicinity was strong. “Good. Breathe deeply and come to the clearing, the one where your stone is.” I breathed carefully in and out. Tiam’s proximity in my mind felt hypnotic. With my mind’s eyes I saw his deep blue eyes, steady as rocks. I knew that if I stumbled, he’d hold me up.

  I continued my careful breathing exercises and cautiously moved my feet. The panic seemed to abate and I noticed the pressure in my chest lessen. I got up slowly and tried to stay upright, although my feet seemed unwilling to obey me. Unwittingly I took a step forward. Another step and then another, and soon I was at the edge of the forest clearing. My great Seita stone stood where it always had, but this time Marie was standing on top of it. A large dark brown wolf lounged in the grass by the pool, watching the girl on the stone keenly. Marie was dancing on top of the stone with light steps and her dark curls and fey countenance made her seem like a fallen angel. The wind fluffed her hair and clothes. Her gaze was locked on the wolf lying on the ground and she seemed to beckon to the wolf with her dance, to seduce it and lure it away from the gates of paradise towards perdition. I realized Marie would not remain a child for much longer. She’d turn fifteen next month and although Tiamhaidh was being more than patient with her, how could anyone resist such a blatant invitation as the one Marie had just given? I glanced at Tiamhaidh and could have sworn he was drooling.

  I coughed, embarrassed, for even though I didn’t want to break the spell I couldn’t just watch Marie’s game of seduction from the sidelines. Marie glanced at me and blushed a deep red. Tiamhaidh turned to me with affected calm and grunted. I shrugged innocently. “You were drooling.” Tiamhaidh’s eyes narrowed and he gave me a stern glare. I nodded my head and returned his look. He yelped and got up. “Follow me. I want to show you something.” “Don’t you think I saw quite enough already?” I thought, unable to stop myself from smiling. “Very funny, Sofia.” Tiamhaidh turned his back to me and I had to follow him. Marie skipped beside me with light steps and whenever she glanced at me she blushed and averted her eyes.

  We continued deeper and deeper into the woods and if my calculations were correct we’d soon reach a road, as we’d walked at least two kilometers through the woods. I didn’t see any signs of a road yet, though. A huge thicket opened in front of us and suspicious noises were carried from it. I reached my mind towards the thicket and was surprised to encounter my brothers. There was also a hint of a young she-wolf and my first thought was that my brothers had found themselves mates. Tiamhaidh gave a demanding howl and Gavin and Daniel trotted out to j
oin us. I was baffled. Where was the female I had definitely sensed in the vicinity? Daniel let himself shift to human again and embraced me as if I were spun glass.

  “Sofia!” he said, surprised. “You seem much better already.”

  “I still feel very weak but it’s true I’m much better than I used to be,” I lay my head on Daniel's shoulder for a moment and he enfolded me in a tight hug.

  “Forgive me for causing you such grief. I promise this will pass, but you know how these things are. I’m not ready to let go of him yet,” I mumbled at his chest.

  I couldn’t say Gunward’s name out loud and even saying the word ‘he’ made a lump form in my throat. I looked apologetically at my brother as a tear fell down my cheek. Gavin rubbed himself against my legs and I instinctively reached down to ruffle his fur and press my face for a moment into the shelter of his coat.

  “It’s good that you came. There’s something I want to show you,” Daniel took my hand and pulled me towards the thicket.

  “Wait,” I huffed, short of breath. “I’m not quite that well yet. I can walk but I can’t yet spring up running whenever I feel like it.”

  Daniel threw me an apologetic glance and slowed down. Gavin bounced excitedly around us but Tiamhaidh stayed beside Marie even though his own enthusiasm was evident. Daniel led me right into the middle of the thicket, where a small clearing had been made. At the center of the clearing sat Clarissa, who met my eyes with confusion.

  “Clarissa!” I cried and hugged her. “What on earth are you doing here?”

  Clarissa glanced at Daniel and swallowed audibly. Daniel gave her an encouraging nod, but she stayed silent.